I shivered again when I woke up.
I stopped trying to remember and analyse my dreams a long time ago, as I used to do. But today, when I woke up, I simply realised that in these dreams I keep experiencing what is going on in the depths of my psyche.
And the same thing has been happening there since the beginning of my life. I am totally insecure. I'm constantly trying to find some kind of hold in life, but everything always slips through my fingers. I never find any kind of security. My life is on shaky ground.
Financially, the situation is getting tighter and tighter. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. As a couple, it's great with Jhojan, but we don't know if he can stay. In terms of my health, the doctors have kept telling me that my heart is a ticking time bomb and that I could fall over and die at any time. Even a simple flu can knock me out for weeks.
Even Keysha Consciousness is no longer a support for me, because I now understand that I have simply misinterpreted many things in the past. I used to believe in the 'law of attraction'. But today I know that's bullshit.
I've also withdrawn from everything for years - music, role-playing, friends ... I don't do any of that anymore because I've had too many bad experiences in everything. So I can no longer find a foothold in social contacts either.
No wonder I constantly feel like I'm falling and that the ground is shaking. Figuratively speaking, that's exactly how it is. I've never really had solid ground under my feet in this world. That's also the reason why I've never been able to build a life with a partner. It's also the reason why things didn't work out with Orlando and Jhojan. I can't offer anyone the slightest bit of security. My life is always on quicksand and I'm constantly trying to keep my head above water somehow.
Sometimes there are good times, but in the end I always end up in chaos again. My life is always in danger. I never reach a safe harbour. If I'm not threatened by loneliness, it's health or finances.
I think that's what fills my nights with nightmares. My subconscious is simply reflecting the anxiety and constant uncertainty. It tells me that everything can be taken away from me again at any time. And I can't calm it down because it's reality. Jhojan can be sent back to Colombia at any time. I can get violently ill at any time (and the doctors won't do anything). I can go bankrupt at any time and lose my flat.
Faced with this situation, it is not possible to calm my subconscious, because these fears are not illusions. They are the life I have been living for decades. Everything is always on shaky ground - no matter how hard I try.